Wednesday, April 05, 2006

PD and I chatted about The Dreaded Steroids today during my workout. He ran through all the sports figures who have done them (the usual suspects, plus a few I hadn't heard of, since I don't follow sports), and he said that personal buttkicking school told him "don't promise a client size like you see in the magazines... only steroids can achieve that." PD's true to this - he's never guaranteed I'd look like Zeb, and I've never demanded it. But the conversation definitely got me thinking more about what exactly I want to achieve out of these sessions (and the $$$ I'm spending on them.) Sure, I've joked with feenix and said "we are SO doing steroids before next year's krooz." Trouble is, I don't really want SIZE. And needles - I hate the needles. I want... I want... what do I want? Walking home from work, it came to me. In layman's terms, I guess you could say I want to look sexy, I want to be comfortable on the beach, I want to turn heads. That's boring though - everybody says that - commercials sell it - as a set of images its ubiquitous and invisible. What I really want is presence, balance, heft. And this means... it's really, when I come right down to it, all about... all about the SPACE I TAKE UP. I've always taken up space that's sinewy, angular, faceted. I want to take up space that's dense, curved, primed for energy. Getting there has always been a challenge: trying to gain weight, lifting weights according to no one's program but my own, going to the gym, then going to the gym again, then going to the gym AGAIN ---- and staying the same. Now I'm seeing it in very Seurat terms, realizing it's the millions of tiny cellular changes that bring about the "building up the image" of the look I'm after. Plus having my personal buttkicked a couple of days a week by someone who really knows.

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