Living in DC
I go to take my prescription medication two nights ago (hours after picking it up from my health plan's pharmacy) and I notice: the tablets that are normally LARGE and ORANGE are tiny and blue. Last night, after work, I go back to the pharmacy and show them what they gave me. The woman behind the counter shakes her head and gives me a sideways grin that says "boy do we have some winners working here." Probably the wrong image they want to portrary. She goes back into the stacks of drugs and two minutes later returns with the head pharmacist. He hands me a bottle of the correct medication, then asks "you have receipt?"
"No."
"I want to give you something for your trouble. Look. You take Tylenol?"
"Huh?"
"You take Tylenol?"
I look down at his hand, and he's holding out a bottle filled with some type of analgesic. He's showing it to me like a drug dealer shows a kilo*.
"No, I don't want Tylenol."
"Then how about lotion?"
He reaches behind and pulls a tube off the shelf.
"Maybe some hand cream?" he asks, with the same drug-dealer confidence.
"No. I don't want anything. I just want to go home."
"I want to give you something."
"Just tell your people back there to pay attention to what their doing!"
What I want to know is, can I sue them? And, if I can, and I collect, can I then retire?
*Not that I have practical knowledge regarding those sorts of transactions.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
The Bland Health People
I hate the Bland Health People. You know who I'm talking about. The people frolicking in prescription drug commercials and bouncing around the pages of your medical plan's quarterly magazine. They're all ages and all races and all sexes (well maybe not ALL sexes) and all so very very... bland. They wear sweaters and ride bikes in their golden years through the perfect autumn woods, they cavort in perfectly turquoise pools, they throw daisies about and sit down to healthy and uncontroversial dinners. You never see any of them actually USING the medications they're representing - they're never standing in their boxers, in the kitchen, rinsing out a glass and measuring out the one or two horse pills they have to swallow. They never throw up, or sneeze, or bleed, or roll around in agony after being thrown from a horse. They never sit uncomfortably on the edge of the examination table, shifting their weight on the crinkly paper, trying to relieve the cramping in their knees as they wait for the physician's assistant or nurse practitioner. And they're never, EVER in the hospital. Not like the real people you see on House or E.R.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Sport, that wrinkled care derides...
So this HHS, employee knocks on my door - she's canvassing the neighborhood for a survey on drug and alcohol use the Feds are doing, which will decide how much muh-nay will be spent around these parts on abuse and prevention programs. She just had a couple of questions for me, and entered the answers into a Blackberry that would instantly let her know if I would be selected for the actual survey (which would also net me $30.)
When she got to the question “How old are you?” I answered “49.”
She stopped.
“No,” she said. “You’re lying.”
I laughed. “I’m really 49.”
“You so look like you’re 35.”
“Thanks.”
“And I hate you.”
I get that often. Not the “I hate you” (which I probably get, just not out loud.) The age thing. I’ll turn 50 halfway through 2007. Hopefully that passage will be easier than 49. There don’t seem to be a whole lot of resources out there for the Aging Gay Man – at least, resources that are easily identifiable. I did a quick Google search on the phrase “gay men aging” and came up with some articles, but a quick scan of their contents threw me into a panic and I stopped reading. Too much to deal with. Especially if you’re single.
“Looks like the survey program kicked you out,” said the HHS woman. "Probably because you're not Hispanic."
Or maybe I'm just too old.
No $30 for me.
So this HHS, employee knocks on my door - she's canvassing the neighborhood for a survey on drug and alcohol use the Feds are doing, which will decide how much muh-nay will be spent around these parts on abuse and prevention programs. She just had a couple of questions for me, and entered the answers into a Blackberry that would instantly let her know if I would be selected for the actual survey (which would also net me $30.)
When she got to the question “How old are you?” I answered “49.”
She stopped.
“No,” she said. “You’re lying.”
I laughed. “I’m really 49.”
“You so look like you’re 35.”
“Thanks.”
“And I hate you.”
I get that often. Not the “I hate you” (which I probably get, just not out loud.) The age thing. I’ll turn 50 halfway through 2007. Hopefully that passage will be easier than 49. There don’t seem to be a whole lot of resources out there for the Aging Gay Man – at least, resources that are easily identifiable. I did a quick Google search on the phrase “gay men aging” and came up with some articles, but a quick scan of their contents threw me into a panic and I stopped reading. Too much to deal with. Especially if you’re single.
“Looks like the survey program kicked you out,” said the HHS woman. "Probably because you're not Hispanic."
Or maybe I'm just too old.
No $30 for me.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Final DC Five
My last five ideas for DC:
16. Fire GSI as the downtown tourist food and souvenir vendor and hire Disney to make it over and provide better customer service.
17. Televise the 17th Street "Drag" Race on Bravo.
18. Take big chunks out of the Lincoln and Jefferson memorials to make them more like ruins.
19. Knock down any public monument or sculpture that A) does not commemorate and immediately recognizable event or person; B) is the same size or smaller than the temperance fountain; and C) is, or has in it, a horse.
20. Do not market the 3 minute and 17 second Cherry Blossom Festival to anyone but locals.
My last five ideas for DC:
16. Fire GSI as the downtown tourist food and souvenir vendor and hire Disney to make it over and provide better customer service.
17. Televise the 17th Street "Drag" Race on Bravo.
18. Take big chunks out of the Lincoln and Jefferson memorials to make them more like ruins.
19. Knock down any public monument or sculpture that A) does not commemorate and immediately recognizable event or person; B) is the same size or smaller than the temperance fountain; and C) is, or has in it, a horse.
20. Do not market the 3 minute and 17 second Cherry Blossom Festival to anyone but locals.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
New York, Paris, Rome, and... Washington?
Some more ideas to kick DC's butt in gear:
11. Have architecture graduate students from across the country redesign every street vendor van in the city using recycled materials. Allow only three to sell Georgetown University sweatshirts. Then have the students go to work re-facing K Street.
12. Create (or appropriate) an indigenous, unhealthy, and therefore highly admired and much-in-demand food item. Allow only two establishments to serve it. Invent a long-standing conflict between the proprietors.
13. Plan a major world's fair for Anacostia waterfront, not for the crowds, but for the buildings that it will leave behind.
14. Turn DC’s current characteristics and icons (bureaucratic red tape, political sex scandals, hot and humid summers, The Exorcist) into marketing opportunities along the lines of Las Vegas's "What Happens Here Stays Here" campaign. Use humor if possible. If not, import it.
15. Re-imagine the Washington Coliseum as a semi open air farmer's market.
Some more ideas to kick DC's butt in gear:
11. Have architecture graduate students from across the country redesign every street vendor van in the city using recycled materials. Allow only three to sell Georgetown University sweatshirts. Then have the students go to work re-facing K Street.
12. Create (or appropriate) an indigenous, unhealthy, and therefore highly admired and much-in-demand food item. Allow only two establishments to serve it. Invent a long-standing conflict between the proprietors.
13. Plan a major world's fair for Anacostia waterfront, not for the crowds, but for the buildings that it will leave behind.
14. Turn DC’s current characteristics and icons (bureaucratic red tape, political sex scandals, hot and humid summers, The Exorcist) into marketing opportunities along the lines of Las Vegas's "What Happens Here Stays Here" campaign. Use humor if possible. If not, import it.
15. Re-imagine the Washington Coliseum as a semi open air farmer's market.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
DC is Brand X
More ideas of improving DC's image to the world...
6. Hire a young, vibrant, charismatic conductor for the national symphony, and have him or her re-program the Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Labor Day concerts held on the Capital lawn – and ban Barry Bostwick, Charles Durning and the Solid Gold 1940’s dancers from ever showing up at these concerts again.
7. Stop mistaking the Smithsonian Folklife Festival and the Navy and Marine band concerts for home grown cultural entertainment.
8. Resurrect the trolley car system on the weekends as an alternative to the constantly single-tracking Metro.
9. Give city residents a tax break on owning and operating Smart Cars, and create low-cost underground and/or above ground parking for the vehicles.
10. Create a city-wide campaign to help the people of this city become either more A) friendly, well-mannered, beautiful, creative, and relaxed, or B) dynamically and colorfully rude.
...stay tuned for more tomorrow...
More ideas of improving DC's image to the world...
6. Hire a young, vibrant, charismatic conductor for the national symphony, and have him or her re-program the Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Labor Day concerts held on the Capital lawn – and ban Barry Bostwick, Charles Durning and the Solid Gold 1940’s dancers from ever showing up at these concerts again.
7. Stop mistaking the Smithsonian Folklife Festival and the Navy and Marine band concerts for home grown cultural entertainment.
8. Resurrect the trolley car system on the weekends as an alternative to the constantly single-tracking Metro.
9. Give city residents a tax break on owning and operating Smart Cars, and create low-cost underground and/or above ground parking for the vehicles.
10. Create a city-wide campaign to help the people of this city become either more A) friendly, well-mannered, beautiful, creative, and relaxed, or B) dynamically and colorfully rude.
...stay tuned for more tomorrow...
Monday, October 09, 2006
DC, DC, a ________ of a town...
You know, as a brand, DC rots. I just does. As a native who's lived here most of my life, I've seen attempts to get this city standing with the big boys, but most of them fell flat and disappeared. Once there was a song composed extolling the city's virtues – but it went nowhere. Union Station was refurbished for the bicentennial as the National Visitors Center, but attracted mainly the homeless. The city’s constantly making excuses for its lame image – "well, the monuments are pretty;" "no, there's not that much crime, if you stay in the right neighborhood…" "it's basically safe... in northwest... during the daytime;" and "what do you expect, when nobody's from here and everybody else just stays until the administration changes?"
It's time DC had an Xtreme Makeover. For the next few days, I'll be printing some of my ideas for what DC needs to do, after it does whatever it takes to eradicate poverty, crime and the homeless within its borders, and hires a kick-ass design and marketing firm and gives them free reign to imagine the city into the next twenty years. So, the first five (and they are all in no particular order):
1. Develop a significant and Macy’s-competitive parade for one of the following: Independence Day, Labor Day, Memorial Day, or Inauguration Day.
2. Pump some money into the gay pride parade and make it bigger than New York's. Stop relying on the gays to gentrify neighborhoods.
3. Create a major outdoor festival around a significant artistic individual who lived and/or worked here in the past (John Philip Sousa, Duke Ellington, Helen Hayes, or…?) Create and finance: a National Sousa Band with a yearly national patriotic march competition (with high school, college, postgraduate, and adult composer categories), a Helen Hayes center for the dramatic arts (with a Washington-DC artists theatre festival), and a Duke Ellington conservatory (post-high school) for music and performing arts.
4. Move the presidential inauguration into another season. Hold the actual ceremony indoors if you must for security reasons, but televise it live throughout the mall. Wait until Bush is out of office to do this so he is not president for a second longer than he has to be. Augment the inaugural balls with the 3-day national mall barbecue.
5. Have the president give weekly audiences, like the Pope.
Tomorrow – 5 more…
You know, as a brand, DC rots. I just does. As a native who's lived here most of my life, I've seen attempts to get this city standing with the big boys, but most of them fell flat and disappeared. Once there was a song composed extolling the city's virtues – but it went nowhere. Union Station was refurbished for the bicentennial as the National Visitors Center, but attracted mainly the homeless. The city’s constantly making excuses for its lame image – "well, the monuments are pretty;" "no, there's not that much crime, if you stay in the right neighborhood…" "it's basically safe... in northwest... during the daytime;" and "what do you expect, when nobody's from here and everybody else just stays until the administration changes?"
It's time DC had an Xtreme Makeover. For the next few days, I'll be printing some of my ideas for what DC needs to do, after it does whatever it takes to eradicate poverty, crime and the homeless within its borders, and hires a kick-ass design and marketing firm and gives them free reign to imagine the city into the next twenty years. So, the first five (and they are all in no particular order):
1. Develop a significant and Macy’s-competitive parade for one of the following: Independence Day, Labor Day, Memorial Day, or Inauguration Day.
2. Pump some money into the gay pride parade and make it bigger than New York's. Stop relying on the gays to gentrify neighborhoods.
3. Create a major outdoor festival around a significant artistic individual who lived and/or worked here in the past (John Philip Sousa, Duke Ellington, Helen Hayes, or…?) Create and finance: a National Sousa Band with a yearly national patriotic march competition (with high school, college, postgraduate, and adult composer categories), a Helen Hayes center for the dramatic arts (with a Washington-DC artists theatre festival), and a Duke Ellington conservatory (post-high school) for music and performing arts.
4. Move the presidential inauguration into another season. Hold the actual ceremony indoors if you must for security reasons, but televise it live throughout the mall. Wait until Bush is out of office to do this so he is not president for a second longer than he has to be. Augment the inaugural balls with the 3-day national mall barbecue.
5. Have the president give weekly audiences, like the Pope.
Tomorrow – 5 more…
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Living in DC - A Snapshot
So there's this attractive guy who lives in my building, just a few doors down from me on the fourth floor. He's been there for about a year or so. His blond hair seems to be thinning and he speaks with traces of an English accent. He's also got two little barky dogs, which he's always taking for walks. But they're really not too noisy. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, we both get on the elevator. He pushes the button marked 4. The elevator door closes and he asks: "What floor?"
So there's this attractive guy who lives in my building, just a few doors down from me on the fourth floor. He's been there for about a year or so. His blond hair seems to be thinning and he speaks with traces of an English accent. He's also got two little barky dogs, which he's always taking for walks. But they're really not too noisy. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, we both get on the elevator. He pushes the button marked 4. The elevator door closes and he asks: "What floor?"
Thursday, October 05, 2006
These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things
I watched an episode of Jericho Wednesday night on CBS, after reading a number of reviews for Cormac Mccarthy’s recently published novel The Road, which led me to fondly remember my favorite (and not so favorite) stories of global apocalypse and societal breakdown…
La Jetee
It's short. Made in 1962. 99+44/100% of it is still pictures. All about time travel after a nuclear war. And it’s in French. It just shouldn’t work at all. I just saw it a couple of weeks ago for the first time in 30 years. And it’s much more shattering than "12 Monkeys" - the remake.
Night of the Living Dead
Simple, basic, frightening. When the eating starts, even the background music is destroyed.
On the Beach
In Australia, Gregory Peck, Ava Gardner, Fred Astaire, and Anthony Perkins wait out the last days of humanity after a nuclear war. That’s right, Gregory Peck, Ava Gardner, Fred… oh, never mind.
Testament
Sounds like rapture claptrap - NOT! Simple tale of a small California town dying off after a nuclear war. Do we see a pattern here? Jane Alexander’s presence makes it all too… artsy and political. But it’s got Kevin Costner, years before he’d try much the same thing in the uber-ridiculous “The Postman.” Guaranteed to kill any party.
The Day After
Supposedly, ABC cut this down to two hours in a panic when, as I remember it, the zeitgeist surrounding it got too hot. And that was before it aired. After the bombs drop, it’s a long slow slog with Steve Gutenberg to the end of the world. Not to be confused with the long slow slog with Steve Gutenberg that is “Cocoon.”
The World, the Flesh and the Devil
Mel Ferrer (aka Mr. Audrey Hepburn), Harry Belafonte, and Inger Stevens (who?) are the last three people in New York City. How they all got there and where the other bodies went is anyone’s guess. Not nearly as good as…
The Quiet Earth
A man, a woman, and a Maori tribesman (uh, ok) are the only three people left in New Zealand, probably the whole world. Works up to an interesting finish.
Kiss Me Deadly
“Blood Red Kisses! White Hot Thrills” goes its tagline. How does a Mickey Spillane adaptation fit with this list? Well, if you happen to see it sometime on Turner Classic Movies, just keep watching…
The Stand
Steven King’s phone-book sized tale of a superflu virus and the devastation it brings was an ABC miniseries with more gore than "The Day After." Still, the book was better.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers
Don Siegel’s model-of-economy black and white flick scared the heck out of us when we were kids (we were all ready to laugh at it, with that goofy title.) The plot, lean and mean with absolutely no fats or oils that add calories, still works its charms after all these years.
The Last Man on Earth and The Omega Man
Two adaptations of Richard Matheson’s “I Am Legend,” the first with Vincent Price, the second with Charlton Heston. "Omega" is nutty. "The Last Man" approaches zombie gold.
The Day the World Ended
Roger Corman quickie about, uh, let’s see, what is it about… oh yeah, the end of the world! Black and white, cheesy sets, bad acting… DC’s Channel 20 used to show this all the time, after which you always felt... somehow… dirty…
Panic in the Year Zero
Ray Milland directed this, about… oh you know. A family escapes Los Angeles just as the Bright White Flash takes over. Depressing but a smidgen of hope at the end.
and
Chant Sous la Pluie
Another bomb drops in Los Angeles, and the fallout is, well, interesting. In “Jericho” everybody stayed out of the possibly-irradiated rain. In this movie, the main character demands: “Bring It On!”
I watched an episode of Jericho Wednesday night on CBS, after reading a number of reviews for Cormac Mccarthy’s recently published novel The Road, which led me to fondly remember my favorite (and not so favorite) stories of global apocalypse and societal breakdown…
La Jetee
It's short. Made in 1962. 99+44/100% of it is still pictures. All about time travel after a nuclear war. And it’s in French. It just shouldn’t work at all. I just saw it a couple of weeks ago for the first time in 30 years. And it’s much more shattering than "12 Monkeys" - the remake.
Night of the Living Dead
Simple, basic, frightening. When the eating starts, even the background music is destroyed.
On the Beach
In Australia, Gregory Peck, Ava Gardner, Fred Astaire, and Anthony Perkins wait out the last days of humanity after a nuclear war. That’s right, Gregory Peck, Ava Gardner, Fred… oh, never mind.
Testament
Sounds like rapture claptrap - NOT! Simple tale of a small California town dying off after a nuclear war. Do we see a pattern here? Jane Alexander’s presence makes it all too… artsy and political. But it’s got Kevin Costner, years before he’d try much the same thing in the uber-ridiculous “The Postman.” Guaranteed to kill any party.
The Day After
Supposedly, ABC cut this down to two hours in a panic when, as I remember it, the zeitgeist surrounding it got too hot. And that was before it aired. After the bombs drop, it’s a long slow slog with Steve Gutenberg to the end of the world. Not to be confused with the long slow slog with Steve Gutenberg that is “Cocoon.”
The World, the Flesh and the Devil
Mel Ferrer (aka Mr. Audrey Hepburn), Harry Belafonte, and Inger Stevens (who?) are the last three people in New York City. How they all got there and where the other bodies went is anyone’s guess. Not nearly as good as…
The Quiet Earth
A man, a woman, and a Maori tribesman (uh, ok) are the only three people left in New Zealand, probably the whole world. Works up to an interesting finish.
Kiss Me Deadly
“Blood Red Kisses! White Hot Thrills” goes its tagline. How does a Mickey Spillane adaptation fit with this list? Well, if you happen to see it sometime on Turner Classic Movies, just keep watching…
The Stand
Steven King’s phone-book sized tale of a superflu virus and the devastation it brings was an ABC miniseries with more gore than "The Day After." Still, the book was better.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers
Don Siegel’s model-of-economy black and white flick scared the heck out of us when we were kids (we were all ready to laugh at it, with that goofy title.) The plot, lean and mean with absolutely no fats or oils that add calories, still works its charms after all these years.
The Last Man on Earth and The Omega Man
Two adaptations of Richard Matheson’s “I Am Legend,” the first with Vincent Price, the second with Charlton Heston. "Omega" is nutty. "The Last Man" approaches zombie gold.
The Day the World Ended
Roger Corman quickie about, uh, let’s see, what is it about… oh yeah, the end of the world! Black and white, cheesy sets, bad acting… DC’s Channel 20 used to show this all the time, after which you always felt... somehow… dirty…
Panic in the Year Zero
Ray Milland directed this, about… oh you know. A family escapes Los Angeles just as the Bright White Flash takes over. Depressing but a smidgen of hope at the end.
and
Chant Sous la Pluie
Another bomb drops in Los Angeles, and the fallout is, well, interesting. In “Jericho” everybody stayed out of the possibly-irradiated rain. In this movie, the main character demands: “Bring It On!”
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
From Bucks to Bodybuilding
I've been hemorrhaging money this year. But for the first time in my life, it’s not because of the outside world and society’s pressures siphoning bucks from my bank account. I’m spending the money on myself, mainly personal training and three vacation cruises in the space of a year. I’m in probably the best shape of my life, I’ve been to places I’ve heretofore only seen, and the only problem is, next year, the spigot will have to be turned off! So I’m trying to prepare myself now for when I can no longer afford expensive vacations six months apart and a monitored workout. However, a small creature at the back of my skull keeps chanting “get a better paying job… get a better paying job, and you can continue to do all these things” in a high, nasal, tweedy tone, kind of like a tension headache. The front part of my skull actually considers this communique and states: “He’s got a point.” So, since I’m not focusing any outward energy on beginning the fourth draft of Kickass Zombie Movie, I need to update my resume, start perusing the job web sites I’ve perused in the past, go for coffee with more people who have connections, and visit Ask the Headhunter every day. After I take my multivitamin and make my lunch.
I've been hemorrhaging money this year. But for the first time in my life, it’s not because of the outside world and society’s pressures siphoning bucks from my bank account. I’m spending the money on myself, mainly personal training and three vacation cruises in the space of a year. I’m in probably the best shape of my life, I’ve been to places I’ve heretofore only seen, and the only problem is, next year, the spigot will have to be turned off! So I’m trying to prepare myself now for when I can no longer afford expensive vacations six months apart and a monitored workout. However, a small creature at the back of my skull keeps chanting “get a better paying job… get a better paying job, and you can continue to do all these things” in a high, nasal, tweedy tone, kind of like a tension headache. The front part of my skull actually considers this communique and states: “He’s got a point.” So, since I’m not focusing any outward energy on beginning the fourth draft of Kickass Zombie Movie, I need to update my resume, start perusing the job web sites I’ve perused in the past, go for coffee with more people who have connections, and visit Ask the Headhunter every day. After I take my multivitamin and make my lunch.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
You Do The Math
Comparing two products that do essentially the same thing.
TODAY: Moleskine vs. Spiral Notebook
Used for: Jotting Things Down
Cost
Moleskine: $15
Spiral Notebook: $3.89
Paper
Moleskine: yellowish-brown
Spiral Notebook: bright white
Ruling
Moleskine: narrow
Spiral Notebook: medium
Used by celebrities?
Moleskine: Picasso, Hemingway, Chatwick
Spiral Notebook: Who knows? Probably.
Where to find:
Moleskine: Barnes and Noble in Georgetown
Spiral Notebook: Staples, Office Depot, CVS, etc.
If lost:
Moleskine: You’re out $15
Spiral Notebook: Pickup another one for around $5
Brand Image
Moleskine: Pretentious
Spiral Notebook: School work
Lays flat:
Moleskine: Only if you bend the binding back and forth a number of times.
Spiral Notebook: Upon opening.
Magically transforms your notes into amazing artistic money-making products:
Moleskine: No.
Spiral Notebook: Maybe.
Comparing two products that do essentially the same thing.
TODAY: Moleskine vs. Spiral Notebook
Used for: Jotting Things Down
Cost
Moleskine: $15
Spiral Notebook: $3.89
Paper
Moleskine: yellowish-brown
Spiral Notebook: bright white
Ruling
Moleskine: narrow
Spiral Notebook: medium
Used by celebrities?
Moleskine: Picasso, Hemingway, Chatwick
Spiral Notebook: Who knows? Probably.
Where to find:
Moleskine: Barnes and Noble in Georgetown
Spiral Notebook: Staples, Office Depot, CVS, etc.
If lost:
Moleskine: You’re out $15
Spiral Notebook: Pickup another one for around $5
Brand Image
Moleskine: Pretentious
Spiral Notebook: School work
Lays flat:
Moleskine: Only if you bend the binding back and forth a number of times.
Spiral Notebook: Upon opening.
Magically transforms your notes into amazing artistic money-making products:
Moleskine: No.
Spiral Notebook: Maybe.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
A Tale of Three Trainers
A couple of weeks before I went on my Awesome End Of August Vacation, my trainer PD was transferred to another gym. That was tough - we'd been together since February. But I marched on. PD handed me to Squatmeister TM, so named (by me) because he believed that in the Squat lay the secrets of the universe and the saving of the world. "He believes everybody should squat," said PD. "Women, teenagers, babies...everybody."
Squatmeister also believed in worshiping a holy trinity of workout moves: the afore-mentioned squat, the deadlift, and the bench-press. "What about bicep curls?" I asked. "Well," he began...
I was with him for about two weeks before I went on The Awesome Vacation. When I returned I found this email:
Anybody need a frozen cheesecake?
A couple of weeks before I went on my Awesome End Of August Vacation, my trainer PD was transferred to another gym. That was tough - we'd been together since February. But I marched on. PD handed me to Squatmeister TM, so named (by me) because he believed that in the Squat lay the secrets of the universe and the saving of the world. "He believes everybody should squat," said PD. "Women, teenagers, babies...everybody."
Squatmeister also believed in worshiping a holy trinity of workout moves: the afore-mentioned squat, the deadlift, and the bench-press. "What about bicep curls?" I asked. "Well," he began...
I was with him for about two weeks before I went on The Awesome Vacation. When I returned I found this email:
Hey Mike,So, now I'm with D-Man, and he's producing the required effect of soreness that makes me believe I'm achieving something. The funniest part of all of this is the whole issue of diet. In July, PD suggested I bump my protein intake up to 200 g's per day. And, he counseled me to "go all out" on my cheat day, midnight to midnight. "Eat as much of whatever it is you want!" he challenged me. Well, after a McDonald's Big Breakfast, it's hard to eat anything the rest of the day. Now, D-Man is saying "PD told you that? No no no, man, you only get 1 cheat meal per week."
Hope your vacation is going well. I am writing to let you know that I moved this weekend out to R-- I have been asked to transfer to that gym. As such I will not be able to continue training at M-- for a bit. I have been pairing up clients with people I think work well together and I believe that you would work best with [D-Man]. I gave him your contact info so he will contact you about scheduling when you get back from your trip.
Anybody need a frozen cheesecake?
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
This Passion Thing is Way Overrated
Kickass Zombie Movie script has been lying dormant for months now, sleeping in its third draft, awaiting the dexterity of the handsome prince to awaken it to its fourth incarnation. Also known as EM:ZD, the screenplay was very popular last fall among the scribes at the Writer's Center screenplay seminar. "You got zombies!" they said, eyes aglow with interest, minds afire with "why didn't I think of that?" I've even figured out a kickass opening scene, which I was told it needed. So, why don't I get to it?
It's not like I haven't had success in these sorts of endeavors.
My shrink thinks it's because I'm not getting my emotional needs met. At this point, I'm inclined to agree with him.
But a bigger question haunts me. Do I want to continue chasing this dream all the way to the Best Screenplay Oscar? Or have I finally accepted that I've been doing all this largely to:
a. make myself more interesting
b. find a hunky boyfriend
c. make lots of mo-nay.
When I look at the movies that are out nowadays, and all of them starring Ben Stiller, I don't get excited. At all. Kickass Zombie Movie will most likely never get made, and that's just something that has to be said and accepted. The whole "why don't you produce art just for art's sake?" no longer works for me, especially since I don't know anyone named Art, much less anyone named Art with lots and lots of money.
And while I find the whole screenwriting thing fascinating, I ask myself: Do I really want to live in LA?
But there's another question, which might just cancel out everything: What if I finished the fourth draft, and the picture got made?
Kickass Zombie Movie script has been lying dormant for months now, sleeping in its third draft, awaiting the dexterity of the handsome prince to awaken it to its fourth incarnation. Also known as EM:ZD, the screenplay was very popular last fall among the scribes at the Writer's Center screenplay seminar. "You got zombies!" they said, eyes aglow with interest, minds afire with "why didn't I think of that?" I've even figured out a kickass opening scene, which I was told it needed. So, why don't I get to it?
It's not like I haven't had success in these sorts of endeavors.
My shrink thinks it's because I'm not getting my emotional needs met. At this point, I'm inclined to agree with him.
But a bigger question haunts me. Do I want to continue chasing this dream all the way to the Best Screenplay Oscar? Or have I finally accepted that I've been doing all this largely to:
a. make myself more interesting
b. find a hunky boyfriend
c. make lots of mo-nay.
When I look at the movies that are out nowadays, and all of them starring Ben Stiller, I don't get excited. At all. Kickass Zombie Movie will most likely never get made, and that's just something that has to be said and accepted. The whole "why don't you produce art just for art's sake?" no longer works for me, especially since I don't know anyone named Art, much less anyone named Art with lots and lots of money.
And while I find the whole screenwriting thing fascinating, I ask myself: Do I really want to live in LA?
But there's another question, which might just cancel out everything: What if I finished the fourth draft, and the picture got made?
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Does Anybody Really Like CVS?
CVS is what I would call one of my "forced brands." As in "I'm forced to go there for toothpaste, shampoo, tylenol, ibuprofin, chapstick, etc." When I think of CVS, I think of dingy aisles, far too much merchandise, demonic fluorescent lighting, and bored, surly staff. CVS is the store that you enter and can't wait to exit. No wonder the staff is surly. They're stuck there. And what about the uniforms they're made to wear? Bad colors, bad polyester, bad bad bad. The checkout counters are cluttered with... stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. None of which I need. I read somewhere that CVS's HQ requires each store to stock an overabundance of... stuff. CVS doesn't give a damn what kind of experience I have when I'm there. Oh, the commercials may say they do. But they don't. They really don't. If they did, maybe they'd do something about their stores. Like have Project Runway redesign those uniforms.
CVS is what I would call one of my "forced brands." As in "I'm forced to go there for toothpaste, shampoo, tylenol, ibuprofin, chapstick, etc." When I think of CVS, I think of dingy aisles, far too much merchandise, demonic fluorescent lighting, and bored, surly staff. CVS is the store that you enter and can't wait to exit. No wonder the staff is surly. They're stuck there. And what about the uniforms they're made to wear? Bad colors, bad polyester, bad bad bad. The checkout counters are cluttered with... stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. None of which I need. I read somewhere that CVS's HQ requires each store to stock an overabundance of... stuff. CVS doesn't give a damn what kind of experience I have when I'm there. Oh, the commercials may say they do. But they don't. They really don't. If they did, maybe they'd do something about their stores. Like have Project Runway redesign those uniforms.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Building Brand You
I've been thinking and reading alot lately about Brands (in my role as communications director for a nonprofit organization), and I decided to make a list of all the brands I come into contact with... those I'm devoted to, those I can take or leave, those I'm forced to accept, and those I really hate but I must face anyway. And they are, in no particular order:
Orbitz
Crate & Barrel
Windows
Google
Pump Daddy
Halo
Atlantis
DC's Metro system
Rehoboth Beach
Gap
Pottery Barn
Enterprise
Safeway
Clif Bars
Sligo Computer Services
CVS
Gold's Gym
Abercrombie and Fitch
Comcast
American Eagle
Disney
Whole Foods
Verizon
Labrada
Dupont Circle
Turner Classic Movies
MTV
Fort Lauderdale
KUSC
Kaiser Permanente
Sensodyne
Mykonos
GNC
Washington, DC
Elephant Theatreworks
See
Mt. Washington
Barcelona
Fast Company
HRSA
Rome
Now I'm looking at each one and asking myself, who likes it? who hates it? what's wrong with it? what's right with it? what can they do to make my experience better? what are they doing that makes my experience great? And maybe, if I ask myself enough questions and come up with enough stuff, I'll have something to add to this blog about them...
I've been thinking and reading alot lately about Brands (in my role as communications director for a nonprofit organization), and I decided to make a list of all the brands I come into contact with... those I'm devoted to, those I can take or leave, those I'm forced to accept, and those I really hate but I must face anyway. And they are, in no particular order:
Orbitz
Crate & Barrel
Windows
Pump Daddy
Halo
Atlantis
DC's Metro system
Rehoboth Beach
Gap
Pottery Barn
Enterprise
Safeway
Clif Bars
Sligo Computer Services
CVS
Gold's Gym
Abercrombie and Fitch
Comcast
American Eagle
Disney
Whole Foods
Verizon
Labrada
Dupont Circle
Turner Classic Movies
MTV
Fort Lauderdale
KUSC
Kaiser Permanente
Sensodyne
Mykonos
GNC
Washington, DC
Elephant Theatreworks
See
Mt. Washington
Barcelona
Fast Company
HRSA
Rome
Now I'm looking at each one and asking myself, who likes it? who hates it? what's wrong with it? what's right with it? what can they do to make my experience better? what are they doing that makes my experience great? And maybe, if I ask myself enough questions and come up with enough stuff, I'll have something to add to this blog about them...
From the top - Five Six Seven Eight...
I thought up a bunch of reasons why I wasn't contributing to this blog. I even wrote them down, they were so intelligent. Then I misplaced that piece of paper. But it doesn't matter, because there's one primary and simple reason I left this blog idle for the summer: contributing to it felt too much like work.
I was spending too much time perfecting the wording of each post before I published it... then any changes I made to the text would therefore create additional links, and then the text had to be aligned with the picture illustrating the topic and then a whole hour would go by.
And so, I wrote down another list of intelligent changes I would make... and then I misplaced that piece of paper. Which forced me to come up with three easy to remember ways of combating that work feeling and making this more fun for myself (and therefore, perhaps, the reader):
1. Shorter posts
2. Less photos and graphics
3. Less links in texts.
I thought up a bunch of reasons why I wasn't contributing to this blog. I even wrote them down, they were so intelligent. Then I misplaced that piece of paper. But it doesn't matter, because there's one primary and simple reason I left this blog idle for the summer: contributing to it felt too much like work.
I was spending too much time perfecting the wording of each post before I published it... then any changes I made to the text would therefore create additional links, and then the text had to be aligned with the picture illustrating the topic and then a whole hour would go by.
And so, I wrote down another list of intelligent changes I would make... and then I misplaced that piece of paper. Which forced me to come up with three easy to remember ways of combating that work feeling and making this more fun for myself (and therefore, perhaps, the reader):
1. Shorter posts
2. Less photos and graphics
3. Less links in texts.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
TWO HOURS OF BLISS
PBS, the home of Pretty Bland Stuff, managed to wake up out of its CPB stupor last night and broadcast some brilliance. "South Pacific in Concert" presented the Rodgers and Hammerstein score on Carnegie Hall's enormous stage, and it came across better than the helplessly literal movie version. Reba sang "I'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy," one of Rodgers' many infectious waltzes, with a sharp country twang that sold her character as actually hailing from Little Rock ARK (Mitzi Gaynor, in the movie version, never seems less than a showgirl and is totally unbelievable as a WWII nurse.) Brian Stokes Mitchell, in white dinner jacket, gave even the overdone "Some Enchanted Evening" a sexy and masculine quality. There were biceps galore on the Seabees in their two big numbers, and Bloody Mary's rendition of "Happy Talk" was incredibly happy. South Pacific has never been one of my favorite shows, in spite of my family's history (the original cast production on Broadway was my parent's first date.) I've always felt the music was just OK, and the times I've watched the movie I've wondered how they got all that seawater, sand and those airplanes onto the Broadway stage. But stripped down to its basic elements, the music showed its dexterity (by the time Rodgers wrote the score he'd had enough Broadway experience for ten composers nowadays) and the story flowed with charm. PBS showed a similar program early last year - a concert version of Bernstein's "Candide" - that was also incredible and entertaining and just plain wonderful. I love it when theater is shown as theater on television. Opening up plays and musicals, like ABC did with The Music Man , Bye Bye Birdie, and Annie, just does not work! (Well, maybe Annie wasn't so bad, although I HATE that show and anything they did to make it shorter made it better than the stage version and light years beyond John Huston's nightmare movie.) So, in conclusion, WHY DO WE HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH SO MUCH CRAP ON PUBLIC TELEVISION JUST TO GET ONE OR TWO GOOD PROGRAMS PER YEAR? I mean, "Lighthouses From the Air," "Masterpiece Theatre's Finnegan's Wake," and "What The Hell Do I Have In My Attic That I Can Bore Somebody With" do not make anyone smarter or want to go buy theater tickets or listen to Mahler. And don't even talk to me about the execrable "Blenko Retro."
Monday, April 24, 2006
AN EXCURSION TO THE BEACH, PRE-SEASON
I went with Feenix to Rehoboth Beach this past weekend. The drive to and from lacked the usual high spirits and joie de vivre since the skies were densely overcast and it rained much of the way there. However, my host D-, of D- and M-, was charming, entertaining, and most hospitable. Foods I accepted from the PD-approved list were fish, green beans, beef, tomatoes, fruit salad and sliced turkey. From the unapproved list, I managed not to pass up bagels, lite cream cheese, peach cobbler, deep-dish french toast, beer, coffeecake, little chocolate donuts, sausage links, tropical fruit juice and rum. Scooter the dog and Kitty the, uh, cat, entertained us with their antics. Feenix jumped each time Kitty meowed near him, most likely due to caffeine intake. While the rain fell and the wind howled and the temperatures stayed close to November, I shopped and actually enjoyed it. We also watched the last hour of Titanic, a movie with a undramatic subplot about a sinking ship and much concerned with Leo and Kate splashing about in frigid waters. Plus something concerning handcuffs. For a much better look at this most famous naval disaster, consult the British version, A Night To Remember, from which whole bits of business were stolen for the hundred-million-dollar remake. As if we didn’t have enough of water that Saturday afternoon, we then ventured out to the restaurant known as Fin (which means “end” in french), where a good time was had by all. As I was putting on my shoes Sunday morning, the sun came out. On arrival in DC, the sky was blue. And today was even better. Yes, we could have used Monday’s weather on Saturday. But D- provided a relaxed, peaceful, yet still quite entertaining weekend.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
NO MORE FIFTY REP WORKOUTS!
PD promised me today that we're moving to an all-new workout on Monday. And that's not a moment too soon. I made the mistake of telling him that the 50-rep squats were the #1 Most Painful Exercise. This was right before the 50-rep calf raises. PD said "Well, we're just gonna have to see if we can move these to the #1 slot." He had me do 10 reps, then hold the weight a few inches off the floor (I was on the seated calf-raise torture machine), then do 10 more reps, hold the weight off the floor while he counted to 3 million (10 actually), repeat repeat repeat. Afterward, when I regained my composure, he asked me what was #1. I told him that 50 rep squats and 50-rep calf raises were both number one. Squats for their whole-body massive ache and burn with sucking O2 tendencies, and calf raises for their intense, focused, extremity-based pain.
Time for a protein shake and bed, so I can get up and do Thursday.
My plans for the weekend include a trip to the country to amuse other people.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
TODAY
PD just put me through another bruising workout. We're still on the 50 rep thing, where he has me do, well, 50 reps, be it bench press, squats, curls, whatever. 3 sets of them. He promised that this is the final week of that, and next week we go on to something else that isn't so - incredibly painful. Actually, he didn't say it wouldn't be painful. I'm just hoping it isn't. I'm down to 153, and I tried on a swimsuit that didn't fit and wonder of wonders, the velcro closed and I didn't have to suck it in. Now I'm wondering WHEN DO I START PACKING ON THE MUSCLE? And then I calm myself down and realize I've only been buttkicked personnally since February. I had to give up drinking Myoplex for a while, as it's started to screw up my stomach. PD said it'll do that, and gave me a couple of alternatives to try. My workout today was at 5pm, and since I never go at that time, I was amazed at the number of hunky, muscle-y, masculine guys with really awesome biceps.YESTERDAY
Feenix said I have this screwed up relationship with my trainer - he said "Mike pays PD to talk to him and kick his butt." I said "And it's the most successful relationship I've had in years."
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