16 Things I Hate About the Holidays

Everybody hates fruitcake, New Year's Eve, and Secret Santa gift swaps. They're easy to despise, and few will argue for them. But don't we each keep our own list of festive things that seriously test our goodwill? As today in D.C. is wet, cold, (now dark), and miserable, here are mine:

• "O Holy Night."
• Melismatic pop singers lugubriously mangling "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," "The Christmas Song," and "White Christmas."
• Those gigantic red bows on gift cars in commercials.
• "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer."
• The Perfect Gift.
• Rankin-Bass holiday specials (except for Rudolph. And the Rankin-Bass logo tag.)
• Virginia.
• Holiday movies in which a mysterious package appears under the tree Christmas morning which signals either that Santa exists or What Happened To The Hero The Night Before Wasn't Just A Dream.
• Office building holiday dessert receptions in the lobby.
• Midnight mass.
• Darkness, cold, and those illnesses that spring forth this time of year.
• Those who try to make other holidays into the alternative Christmas (let those holidays be what they are!)
• Office decorations.
• Whimsy.
• Traveling.
• 24 Hours of "A Christmas Story."